My thoughts on Avery Lynn Copeland....it seems that this week in December over the last two years has been consumed with thoughts of you. My heart aches to remember the details leading up to your birth and consequently your death. This will always be the moment that I will remember as the day our family changed. Good things came of your death as well as the pain of your death. I have never relied more on your dad and we have never been closer in all of our marriage. We felt the presence of heaven around us, including the love from Heavenly Father who was very aware of our pain. I remember being consumed with love, first for you, second for my Father in Heaven, and third for my good husband.
It seems all those weeks on bed rest we came to know one another. I truly fell in love with you as my daughter. I often wonder two years later what you would have been like. What would have been your favorite color? Would you have been a girly girl or would you have been more logical like your older sister? Would you have loved the things I imagine you would love? I see you with dark hair and dark eyes. Eyes that are pure and full of goodness. I always think you would have been the one to pull me along. My little miracle reminder of what is good in this world. However, it seems you
are that in my life. You
are the one that pulls me along. You
are the reminder of where I want to end up. I cannot wait to see you again and have you run into my arms and hold you like I have craved to hold you. I feel like I will know you, as you are always in my thoughts.
I don't know if I will ever be able to feel the love that Heavenly Father had for me that day again. I often wish I could feel it on demand. It was more of a physical feeling that I have ever felt before. One where you can feel arms around you, where fear is replaced with peace. Where trust comes easily. You just know you will be alright. I remember the long night before you were born, when we knew you would pass away right as you came into this world the next morning. The intense saddness knowing that the kicks I felt would be the last life I felt from you. That in a few short hours you would be still. My heart hurts so badly remembering this because it is such a real moment in my life. I remember emotionally handing you over that night, back to our Father in Heaven so that when I really did have to see your spirit leave you it would be easier. I felt peace knowing you would be taken care of. I remember the comfort in allowing the Father's will to be done, and no longer fighting the outcome. No matter how bad it hurts.
I have been lucky in love. I don't even know how to understand this blessing that was given to me. My husband is my blessing. I feel God gave me Cameron to prepare me for this moment in my life. I know that I could not have gone through this with anyone but my pure good husband. The events that happend and the strength we had to draw from each other is too sacred to me to post for everyone to read, but I truly know he loves me and we will be more bonded together because of you Avery.
So here's to you Avery....I promise to live a better life each year so we can be together as a family in the Celestial Kingdom. I won't let your life be in vain. We will learn the lessons your life was meant to teach us all.
Only a moment you stayed but what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.
I love you baby girl...Happy Birthday.
